The Burger that Bites Back

Note: Despite the fact that she doesn't think she fully recovered from the Blondies big one, Sarah, managed to write up a hallowing tale of our experience with the legendary nine-pound burger. Read on.

July 26th 2006 saw the group heading on a dangerous adventure to Winnipeg's most famous (or infamous?) greasy spoon, Blondies. Our mission: to consume the 'big one', the largest burger in Winnipeg (and aw, heck let's be honest, the planet), the nine-pound, after cooking, burger hereafter referred to as the BEHEMOTH. Kneel before the BEHEMOTH. Respect the BEHEMOTH.

Our group started small. Perhaps many were lost along the way. Some of us couldn't see the sign - that is the faded, chipped Blondies sign that seems to be older than Winnipeg itself tucked in a corner just south of West Kildonan Park. Others decided to save themselves from the characteristic greasy spoon "less than rigorous approach to hygiene and dishwashing" and "high fat content” that Jacques described in his invitation to this Adventure. But soon enough, a good sized group of us had arrived. All those who couldn't resist the gravitational pull of the BEHEMOTH (seriously - it's nine pounds. It's practically its own beefy planet. Or at least a moon.)

At first glance, the charming black, white and red decor of a simple 50's style neighbourhood diner greeted us. But then we noticed the caricature of the BEHEMOTH chasing a young man, fangs barred. And then we started to read the rules. That's when we realized we'd waded deep into a sea of serious anger management issues. We were afraid, but we thought that if we stuck together, we could outnumber Blondie and the BEHEMOTH. Ha!


Bob the Boyfriend came out, friendly enough, to take our order, while a pair of deceptively charming blue eyes glared at us through the serving window. Blondie lurked back there in the shadows of the kitchen.

Noticing rule #7 "Ordering a milkshake when it's busy results in death" most of us chose to risk life and limb and order the 7-scoop milkshake. Creamy, thick...good. Latecomers began to straggle in, but after glancing at rules such as rule #2 "If your order is wrong, it's your own fault", they looked around nervously, perhaps for an easy escape, while wondering if they should risk some dinner.

As Blondie worked on our BEHEMOTH we perused the snapshots on the walls, many of which featured this home-grown legend of a meat patty. It seemed larger than life. And when Bob brought out the industrial-sized spatula and carving knife with which to serve the BEHEMOTH, we realized that it was.
With little ceremony or pomp, the BEHEMOTH was brought out. In awe, we sang a song to honour it (a shabby rendition of the Space Odyssey theme?...I couldn't actually hear over the burger.) Two dinner plate-sized patties, three layers of bun, cheese, bacon, lettuce, and all the fixings. It was intimidating. It was unlike anything we had ever seen. It was a monster.

We thought that no challenge was too great for Adventures in Dining. We began to have our doubts as we tried to tackle cutting the BEHEMOTH into giant burger-pie slices. Had Adventures in Dining met its match? Would the BEHEMOTH truly bite back.

Sometime later, as we all began to stretch out - groaning, moaning, and loosening several belt buckles - Blondie came over to chat with us. She may be a bit of a crusty lady with some unchecked anger issues best expressed through freakishly decorating her restaurant, but it turns out that underneath it all she's a friendly restaurateur who cares about her customers.
She only wants to run her restaurant her way. And judging by the voracious appetites, the laughter, and the smiling (but stuffed) Adventurers, that's just the way Winnipeggers like it. Blondies certainly is an adventure! (The caricature on the left is actually very close to the real Blondie!!! No kidding!)

In the end, the BEHEMOTH was surprisingly tasty - I didn't expect it to live up to all the hype, but with all the ingredients freshly prepared by Blondie herself, it's hardly a surprise. Most people did indeed finish their portions (actually just 1/12 of the BEHEMOTH each). Some even had dessert. Sadly, a few good Adventurers, like me, were defeated by the BEHEMOTH.

Yes, it's true. The BEHEMOTH beat me. I hang my head in shame, but hope for the day when someone, somewhere, will finish the burger that bites back. Maybe it will be you!

Sarah